I'm A Verb Now Lana
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer discovers he has contributed to the English language. It's not as big a thrill for him as he thought it would be.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is lost in a dictionary somewhere. This is just tiny madness from my tiny little mind while waiting for Season 8 to get here already!**

 **I'm A Verb Now Lana!**

"All right! Everybody listen up!" Archer called out to the rest of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "I am calling a meeting!"

"Oh what a joy," Ray said sarcastically. "I was afraid we were going to go a **single day** without a stupid meeting. I was wrong. Hooray."

"You know…?" Archer began.

"Archer! It's **my agency**!" Cyril snapped. " **I** call the meetings! Not **you**!"

"For once I'm with Colonel Klink here," Mallory added. "I'd rather Cyril hold these meetings than you."

"Why?" Archer asked.

"Because even Cyril's stupid meetings are less stupid and idiotic than yours!" Mallory snapped.

"Well that is just hurtful," Archer frowned.

"And also true," Lana added.

"Well Lana," Archer said smugly. "This is **also** true. Remember Argentina?"

"Where we got double crossed by Conway Stern again and you got shot in the back?" Lana sighed. "Yes, Archer. I remember."

"It's also when I first became a verb!" Archer grinned.

"A _what now?"_ Ray asked.

"Oh god," Lana groaned. "Not this again."

"What again?" Mallory asked.

"Don't ask," Lana grumbled.

"Oh, but you should," Archer grinned.

"No, you shouldn't," Lana said. "Archer…"

"I am now officially a verb!" Archer grinned. "VERB!"

" _That's what's happening!"_ Cheryl and Pam called out cheerfully.

"Sterling how drunk are you?" Mallory sighed.

"Only a little buzzed," Archer admitted. "From discovering that I am a verb!"

"And I'm assuming a few glasses of scotch," Ray added.

"Bourbon actually," Archer admitted. "Thought I'd change things up today."

"What are you babbling about you baboon?" Mallory snapped.

"I am a verb!" Archer grinned.

Mallory narrowed her eyes. "Is that some kind of slang for a new sexual disease?"

"No, Mother!" Archer snapped. "I'm an **actual** verb! As in I am part of the English language!"

"I'll alert Noah Webster," Ray remarked. "Can we go now?"

"No, no…" Lana shook her head. "You are **not** a verb!"

"I am too Lana!" Archer took out a laptop. "Read it and weep! Cyril…"

"I'll be damned," Cyril looked at the laptop Archer gave him. "He is a verb. Well on the urban slang dictionary…"

"But it still counts!" Archer snapped.

"Archer this is obviously a made-up word," Lana said.

"Technically they're all made up words," Cheryl said.

"What?" Lana asked.

"Every word in the English language is a made-up word," Cheryl grinned. "I know, right? Mind. Blown!"

"Can we take a U-turn from the Land of Make Believe for a moment?" Mallory sighed. "What the hell are you talking about Sterling?"

"Apparently, there's this new phrase called archerizing," Cyril said.

"No, no!" Lana said. "I am **not** allowing this!"

"Not allowing the **English language**?" Archer snorted.

"Yeah who are you?" Krieger asked. "The Department of Education?"

"They can **do** that?" Cheryl gasped.

"They did in some parts of Texas," Pam explained.

"Yet another reason to not go back to Texas," Mallory groaned.

"Are we **banned** from Texas?" Ray asked. "I keep losing track."

"Focus people!" Archer snapped. "Or whatever else you guys are. I am officially a word!"

"On where?" Ray asked. "Dick-A-Pedia?"

"No! On a recognized online urban slang dictionary!" Archer snapped.

"Oh yes that way better," Ray rolled his eyes.

"For the last time," Lana groaned. "You cannot be a verb!"

"Oh but I am! Cyril please inform Lana what my word means," Archer said smugly.

"Archerize," Cyril read. "A verb…

"I'm a verb now, Lana!" Archer grinned. Lana rolled her eyes. "Suck it! Keep reading Cyril."

And Cyril did. "Meaning: To make any normal situation more awesome…"

"See?" Archer grinned.

"Or insane by either dumb luck or complete disregard of one's or other people's safety," Cyril added.

"WHAT?" Archer did a double take.

"Example," Cyril read. "Jake and Eldridge archerized the situation of riding off the roof in a shopping cart by wearing blindfolds."

"That actually happened to my actual cousin Eldridge," Cheryl said. "He was trying to hit the ocean. Missed it by at least two hundred feet. It was a nice funeral though."

"It also means to completely screw something up through extreme carelessness," Cyril went on. "Example: Jeff archerized his mission by getting extremely drunk and misplacing his gun in the freezer."

"It can't say that!" Archer said. "It can't just mean **that!"**

"You're right. Here's a **third** definition," Cyril read. "To turn any innocent comment into a sexual reference."

"WHAT?" Archer shouted. "Let me see that!" He looked at the entry.

"Example," Cyril added as he read. "While Carol explained that she had been exposed to a new world view, Ted archerized the statement and implied she exposed herself nude to the world's view."

"They got this all wrong!" Archer shouted.

"Sounds pretty accurate to me," Krieger quipped.

"I'm guessing you didn't read the entire entry before you started to brag about it, didn't you?" Ray rolled his eyes.

"Duh!" Cheryl snorted.

"There's another entry under Archer, noun," Cyril read. "A rare new strain of venereal disease that is rumored to cause cases of insanity in women."

"So, it **is** a sexual disease!" Cheryl spoke up. "Wait, did I have that?"

"With you it's kind of hard to tell," Pam said.

"I don't believe it!" Archer snapped as he took the laptop away from Cyril. "I will not allow this!"

"Not allow the **English Language**?" Lana said dryly. "Who are you? Robert Cawdrey?"

"So Lana," Cyril asked smugly. "How does it feel to be dating a verb?"

"At least I'm not dating a total douchebag named Figgis!" Lana barked.

"At least **my name** isn't synonymous with screwing up and a venereal disease!" Cyril snapped.

"Bring. Bring. Hello, Sara Ford Johnson?" Mallory mimicked making a phone call. "Mother of Dr. Samuel Johnson? Guess what? Even though your son made some of the greatest achievements of the English Language my son is now a verb **and** a noun! Oh it means he's basically a screw up and a venereal disease. Oh wait. You still win. Sorry to bother you. Bye! Click!"

"Burn!" Ray called out.

"Not a bad idea," Archer glared at them.

"YAY!" Cheryl cheered.

"WE'RE NOT BURNING ANYONE OR ANYTHING!" Cyril shouted.

"Lame!" Cheryl pouted.

"If today's idiocy is over can we **go now**?" Mallory asked bitterly. "I'd like to go to my office and pretend that this agency isn't becoming a complete and total failure."

" _Becoming?"_ Cheryl giggled.

"Shut up," Mallory glared at her.


End file.
